Dec 17th - The Art of Surrender

It’s a little sticky for me to define spiritual surrender.   It’s certainly not giving up, quitting, or letting someone else get there way.  As someone who likes to live under the illusion that they're in control, I feel it as a nuanced shift to relinquishing the tightness, let it go the attachments a little bit and to instead put it in the hands of the divine.  The divine that is our higher self, the greater life force, the shakti, that really knows what is needed.  

I get really stressed out trying to figure things out when I lack clarity.  How am I supposed to surrender when there are decisions to be made, deadlines to meet and doing nothing is not an option?  I was only halfway the 3 month karma yoga program at Mount Madonna and in recognizing the center was not calling me to stay longer, I needed to decide where to go next.  

I slogged through hours and hours of frenetic searching to figure it out.  My energy was leaning towards grasping and sometimes even panicking that I wasn't finding the “yes”.  Was it farming, service work, another spiritual community?  Where could I find the unicorn of dance, yoga, service, kirtan, art, nature, community, and continued digging into spiritual practice and self inquiry.  The irony that this ignored impasse diverted my attention to the above mentioned nourishments that I had set out to enjoy.  

In part, when it comes to travel I’ve realized I’m pretty challenged with decision making.  So I had that working against me.  But I also decided to just let it go, or at least shift my energy around it.  I also prayed to Durga - often, asking for clarity, answers in my dreams, asking for help…some sort of direction or decision.  To show me the “yes”.  I tried, though it ebb and flowed on the daily, to give up my emotional attachment to what I thought I should be doing with my time off.  It was the same energy as the get it done, urgency, should do’s kinda life I’m trying to shift.  I MUST do this spiritual sabbatical thing RIGHT.  

So did I get the “yes”?  Nope.  But that in and of itself was the answer.  It still feels sticky that I’m not doing something dynamic, story worthy, heroic, or at least socially meaningful.  My clarity came that I need to just take it easy for a hot minute.  Even doing three-quarters time selfless service in a highly rajastic yoga community is lots of energy.  I need to stroll around, rest and doing things that nourish me.  Radical self care and attuning to the energetic movement of where I need to go and finding true right effort for these moments. 

I’ve had terrible pain in my back that has dissipated with fine tuned attention and breathing.  I have more people striking up warm conversations with me than has ever been my experience before.  I have spent time at the Shivinanda Yoga Farm ashram, hiking, dancing, attending ceremonies, have more spaciousness in my meditation and sunshine on my face.  For the first time in well over a year I’m feeling the buzzing energy that the magic in my fingertips is returning and there is more good work for me to do soon.